At this point in my life, my dreams have been the most helpful in realizing my true emotional state. I wish more people would pay more attention to their dreams.. it's not always a true indicator of your current state, but it helps you realize what's going on behind the curtains.

I had a dream the other night about zombies. They were Dawn of the Dead zombies, the ones that run ridiculously fast for being dead, and are the most viscious kind of evil. I had to run around the mall, drive around town, and anywhere I went I ran into a hundred zombies that I'd have to beat off or kill to survive. The sad thing was, I knew all the zombies as the people they had been before.. all kinds of people from my past came up, and I had to beat the shit out of them so they wouldn't eat me. One pretty faced boy with blonde shaggy hair came up to me and I had to ram his face into the concrete.. almost fight-club style. I had such power, such control.. and though there was a bit of fear everywhere I went, I still kicked their asses. That was really the first dream I've ever had where I had that much control.. that much power behind the punch. Every other dream, EVER, it was like punching through water.. the hesitance, the insecurity, no force at all. So the more I analyzed it after I woke up (after getting through being a bit freaked out), the better I felt. I am slowly gaining control over my life. I made the right decision.

Then last night he calls me.. not claiming to change, not claiming to want to give me anything different, but just asking for me back. I didn't say yes, but I didn't say no. I heard a girl in the background ask who he's talking to.. and I asked who it was.. then realized it didn't matter who she was. The fact is, it still really really bothered me. I was already losing control over my emotions and they were overtaking me. So my dream last night, safe to say, involved him, and having to work at Fridays even though I wasn't scheduled. I went in, without uniform, and I had to run food and I was getting confused about the table numbers because it was two stores combined. I didn't have control. It was a stressful dream and I was just succombing to everyone's will. I can't let him do this to me. I was doing so much better, not talking to him and pretending that he was okay without me and that I was okay without him. I answered the phone because I thought I would be ready. I thought he must have an emergency to talk to me and that I'd be able to handle it. Ugh.. I couldn't get myself to go to class today... that's so pathetic. Love really fucks you up. I hate this. I wish he cared about my feelings more than his own. I care about his. It's not fair.