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Thursday, March 5th, 2009
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Campus is beautiful today, absolutely stunning. From early morning on, everything has been sparkling. The coming of spring is bringing spouts of green and flower buds, and there is this powerful breeze that makes you forget about the sun. As I was sitting on a swing bench watching hundreds of people walk by, I became curious as to how accurate my judgment is on their happiness level. Its gotta have a huge margin of error, but I can't always be wrong. Some people emit joy and have a bounce in their step, while others slump and shuffle their feet, exuding stress out of their pores.
I wonder how happy I look to other bench watchers. I've been thinking about my happiness level a lot the past few days and have come to the conclusion that I have not been doing enough to raise it. Since Derek moved out, I've been in this funk of adjustment and have let stress almost overcome me. I've been doing everything I can to keep afloat. I never am sure what people mean by "getting it together", but I do feel cohesive enough to function. I think that when I was with Derek, for the first time I really let myself rely on emotional support from someone else. It took a long time for me to get to that point, and I honestly should have never let go of control.. but it felt so good. It feels amazing to walk home from a hard day and fall into someone's open arms who also has an open mind, wanting to be fed your daily activities and thoughts. It has been more difficult than I imagined, coming home every day to a person-less house. Sure, there are 5 cats to welcome me, but that's almost more depressing. The irreversible cat smell is also depressing. Good thing this new roomie and her three cats that she ignores will only be staying with me for another three months.
I've always prized my independence, and felt I could sustain my emotional well being on my own. It's disheartening realizing that no, I'm not Superwoman. I am human enough to need intimate social contact for encouragement and support. I have been trying to get closer with my friends, doing my best to spend more time with them while I can.. but last night during an Ihop excursion, I tried bringing up my lack of happiness and my cemented feet when trying to move in that direction. They tried to be supportive, but there is no empathy there. Any boyfriend I've been close to has always been able to empathize with my depression and cynicism.. I can't imagine sharing myself with someone who'd look at me with blank eyes if I brought up the term self-deprecation. Why then, is it so hard to find friends who'd empathize? Oh right.. because they're probably half-hermits like myself. My neighbor could be exactly like me and we'd never know it.
I just feel so bogged down by the repetition of daily life. I go to school 15 hours a week, work 30 hours a week, and try to maintain a social life in the meantime while balancing it with veg-rest time. My mother's sudden appearance in my life is throwing off the balance, and the new problems at work have me doubting my ability to handle all of this. So far, I've been lucky enough to not have to choose between school or work, but it's a hard choice. School = super important. Making a paycheck and paying for food to eat and survive also = super important.
A friend and I are planning a camping trip for the weekend Spring Break starts.. just a small hour-away trip for a few days. I feel like I need it. Hopefully it will be the refreshment I am looking for. I got so close this morning, laying on the bench and letting the breeze sway me as I looked up into the leaves of the big oak tree above me. Times like those make me FEEL the beauty of life, but the perspective seems to get lost while trying to apply it elsewhere. When I leave the bench and walk to class, knowing work and immense responsibility is waiting for me afterward, its as if the green of the leaves fades to a dull yellow and instead of the breeze caressing my skin, it becomes a slight annoyance. I don't want to keep ruining life for myself. I could be so much better at living.
Derek used to try to help give myself credit by reminding me if my socioeconomic status was better, many things would be. I agree that if money was no longer a concern, many things in my life would be easier.. but I'm not sure about 'better'. I think my mental status plays a larger role in my happiness than my socioeconomic.
I would just like to move on from feeling that everything has become so ordinary and mundane. Maybe this is more of a motivator to travel than my actual love of traveling, I don't know. But I really can't wait to get the fuck out. Camping will help. If you have any fun camping activity suggestions, feel free to comment. But only those. ^^
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Monday, February 16th, 2009
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I am curious if individuals have ranged limitations in the area of
coping with life and traumatic events, and what the consequences
normally are when exceeded. I'd imagine that we are similar enough
to have an average outcome, despite unique reactions. Mental
hospitals are growing and patients are becoming more reliant on
medication to function. If our environment has shaped us to feel
censored and afraid of hardship, I feel we're less likely to widen
our range of coping and more likely to seek outside help. I agree
that in some cases, professional help is necessary and
advantageous. But how is individuality formed, if not from
necessity?
Genetics can only account for a small portion of something so
environmentally shaped.. at least, that's what I'd argue in terms
of self-reliance. Numbers wise, it makes sense. The richer and
better taken care of are the more co-dependent nature, as the more
basic survival skills weren't necessary to teach. I'm curious how
often the sudden presence of riches and advantages shapes a person
from independent to codependent. Is our self-reliance a core
personality trait or something easily redefined by situation? I'd
like to know how I'd react under different circumstances. My
current ones rely on my independence and hard work mentality, but
how would I change if everything was taken care of? I'd hope that
my focuses would turn to something worthwhile, but I feel I may be
at just as much risk to spend it all traveling and fulfilling my
own desires. Self-interest's a keen survival skill but I wonder how
much I'd spend for charity, or how much volunteer work I'd
offer.
I think I'd figure out just how much of a Socialist I really am. I
do feel compassion for people I consider worthwhile.. I just don't
have a universal sympathy for humankind in general. I'd like to see
the progress of our species, but I won't. I'll die before I see
much more. I'll see grand technological advances in robotics, but
humanity won't change much. I don't feel the need to create
offspring and carry on my genetic strain, though that should rail
against my instincts. I just don't have the desire to reproduce and
definitely don't feel an obligation to my fellow man to contribute
a child. However, relocate me to a sparsely populated island with
monsters and time travel preventing my rescue, and I'll pop em out
to gain more skilled labor in the group. Yes, that was a Lost
reference.. I think I'm more personality-linked to Hurley, with his
sarcastic whimsical attitude about the dark situation they're in,
and his never ending desire to help raise the morale. I find I am
always trying to brighten moods and relieve tensions in bad
situations. I'm so Hurley.. just smaller, female, and with
better-behaving hair.
If I had to wrap this all up with an over-arching point, I suppose
it would be that I'm still questioning emotional limitations as
socially constructed with an average intensity scale that can be
quantified, or individually unique environmentally-contingent
limitations that vary between persons. Any comments would be
appreciated. ^^
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I am sore, exhausted and in dire need of a massage but I feel fucking fantastic. I kicked ass at work today, my 3rd day of training which lasted a long 7 hours. I was noticed, complimented and given responsibility because I proved myself and had a good time doing it. I love Chilis... the atmosphere is much better than Friday's, way less robotic and more fun-loving. And I wear jeans and a black tshirt as my uniform... hells yes. I haven't waited tables in 2 years and I was worried I wouldn't have the energy or motivation for it, but the money's so good it's motivation enough. I have to remind myself I'm only 22 and I just have a knack for customer service. It doesn't feel like I should, as I am constantly berating them in my head, but somehow the bullshit that spews from my lips becomes real enough to get good tips. All those years of theater definitely paid off. After you leave my restaurant you'd be convinced that Sever Jen wanted to suck your dick, when in actuality I wanted to castrate you with a long rusty blade. oh yeah, this is gonna be fun. :D
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Saturday, June 28th, 2008
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| Subject: | The ego is not master in its own house. |
| Time: | 10:09 am. |
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For someone who rarely remembers their dreams or claims to never have any, it's hard to understand how emotionally fucked up someone can get from one nightmare. See also: my boyfriend. I don't know how to communicate with him just how intensely I feel after waking from a realistic, near-lucid dream and just how much comfort I need aside from him assuring me "it was just a silly dream". I consider myself to be a pretty rational person... I understand it didn't actually happen. What I am recovering from is an intense emotional experience. The symbols never come from nowhere.. perhaps I am too Freudian about this but all of my dreams seem to stem from real deep-seeded fears, always. Waking and understanding the experience, making the fear a conscious realization, is not easily put aside and classified as 'silly' for me. ..Now I'm not the kind of person who generally takes herself seriously, but I have always been a proponent for self-awareness and self-actualization. This is simply another path in that direction.
I wouldn't really call the fear of him leaving me an unconscious one, but it wasn't something I worried myself with as that's damn good ingredients for unnecessary unhappiness. The dream consisted of being in my house in Kingwood, only without family because it was set in the realistic future.. they had moved on and out. I was being bombarded with guests, roommates and their friends trying to have a party who kept crowding the stairs and impeding my progress either up or down. In two of the bedrooms upstairs, two separate couples started having sex. I had trouble finding Derek, and whenever I'd catch sight of him, he was with Katy, laughing and having a good time. I started to become angry as I saw the flirtation intensify and I would try to talk to them about it but only loud words came out. The angrier I got, the more distant Derek became and the closer he stayed to Katy. I lost them again, and when I finally got past the mob on the stairs, I opened the bedroom doors to find Katy had slept with both couples, and was now fucking Derek. And that was it. I had lost him to her. I had lost him completely and I was utterly helpless to be anything but a crazed, angry mess. I tried to get down the stairs and people started throwing the framed pictures that were hanged on the wall. I joined them. I threw big useless happy faces down the stairwell in an attempt to vent my frustration. As my mental foundation was crumbling, so was my physical.
Upon waking, I didn't fear the cliche best friend stealing my boyfriend.. I don't feel a threat there. Ohhh it would hurt, but that's not the conscious fear I'm now concerned with. What I can't stop thinking about is how comfortable I have let myself become in this relationship.. how I have taken it for granted that he wouldn't simply get up and leave one day, or rather leave after becoming increasingly unhappy and therefore willing to fuck other women. I realize that in order to stay sane and relatively stable, the trust must be near absolute and I do trust him. But I must make completely sure that if he ever did leave me, or I him, that I would be a whole, independent, capable and secure person on my own. It'd be okay to be a bubbling mess for a little while, everyone needs to grieve, but I want assurance I could move on. I can't really get assurance like that without it happening, but I can work on myself and my insecurities to get pretty close.
Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces.
Sigmund Freud
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Friday, February 29th, 2008
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This has become difficult... writing in here. It's gotten to the point to where I'll be two or three paragraphs in and delete it all.. for a variety of reasons, but mainly I convince myself it sounds arbitrary and useless. The writing still feels therapeutic, but I no longer want to keep such a record of ridiculous rants of cynicism. I should write more, and I should write creatively. I also need to stop starting my sentences with "I should", stop the sentence, and just go do it. I want to find out what I'm generally afraid of. I've managed to narrow the field down by cutting out a few things, but I still don't have it pinpointed and it's a serious pain in the vagina. I think the closest I am so far is the realization that I'm afraid of trying to become a well-adjusted person because of the risk of failure.. the thought that I'll just never be capable of really becoming the person I want to be. I could lower my standards, but I don't want to. I have reasons for my ambitions and I need to step up and deal with them. I have been through too much to be this insecure and scared of life. I thought it'd be easier to take off the security blanket once you were in love, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I just want to cuddle in the blanket even more.. such safety, security, and so much love that I get wrapped up in it and myself and sort of continue on in la la happy place land while the real world around me deteriorates because of my avoidance. That was a long sentence. I have a heavy heart now. I'm going to sleep.
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Saturday, December 15th, 2007
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Oh yes, this wonderful feeling is back. It's always temporary, but the discomfort never gets better. Just disconnected from everything. If everything on me wasn't attached securely, it wouldn't feel like mine. It's not the 'Who am I' stage, it's the 'Why am I' stage and it's much more aggravating. Sure I can try encouraging myself that I can change, everyone can change, but when you're in this mood that kind of lecture only induces vomiting.
I feel so far away from every single person I know and care about. I have let myself emotionally distance myself from just about everyone and its fucking inexcusable. My social anxiety has increased tenfold and my closeness with any of my friends has decreased to a disgusting degree.. Now it feels too hard to fix.. not that it's not worth the effort, but that no connection with anyone will ever be the same. It's mostly my fault and I'm really unhappy with myself for it. I understand that in general, friends grow apart.. as is the way of life, blah blah, people grow in different directions. But has that been my justification these past three years? Fucking... ugh.
I start meds tomorrow. :/
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Wednesday, November 21st, 2007
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It's official. I'm going to be back in school, and soon. Spring 2008 semester is bought and PAID FOR niggas. I might even be able to get a couple of classes done this wintermester. It's pretty much the best thing ever. Having to take this past semester off because of lack of funds was a real eye-opener.. and I won't be able to stop myself from burying myself in my studies from now on. I changed my major to Anthropology, minoring in Psych, so I can now graduate in about a year.. at the latest, by May of 2009... but I am doing everything I can to graduate by December of 2008. Damn. A year. I know I'm later than some of my friends, but I still feel an overwhelming sense of pride for finally getting my shit together. It took me grabbing my shriveling ovaries and pulling them out to create massive, iron balls, but I did it. I was so fucking scared of everything. I wanted all my troubles to just pass over me while everything conveniently worked out somehow. Ha. Sounds way too close to a God-fearing Christian.. only I feared life, I feared moving on and growing up. But it's inevitable.. can't procrastinate forever. It's always been a flaw of mine, but I'm not about to let it break me. So yes. Anthropology and psychology. Me and great apes in their natural habitat, where if they no longer care to be my case-study, they'll rip my lungs out. Damn straight. Better than being encapsulated in a stuffy office "treating" narcissistic rich white people.. I'd rip my OWN throat out.
Spending my first Thanksgiving away from my family tomorrow, and with the boyfriend's family instead. They're good people.. southern-tastic, but genuinely nice people. At least I think I will be. I'm getting the beginnings of pain that lead to only one thing... Kidney infection... ugh, fuck. But yeah, things are going really well with Derek. Over 4 months now, just about beating my record of exclusivity.. because really, if you know me at all, you know I've tried to dissect the relationship to destruction but surprisingly enough, I haven't found reason to run away. I feel I'm actually growing. I'm becoming more comfortable with intimacy and as time goes by I'm trusting him more and more. I still have one of those gnawing feelings that something terrible is going to happen to him or us because it would leave me devastatingly vulnerable, but for the most part I'm happy. We only really get to see each other on weekends, so we haven't become one of those leechy couples. We both live our own lives and enjoy each other's company amidst all of that. The fact that he accepts and dare I say, loves my flaws and tells me when I'm being a bitch is really damn nice, especially as I've yet to go back onto medication to control my mood swings. I'm being all .. Jenn.. about it. I really have gotten better though. I think.
I miss writing. I really need to get off my ass and work on some scholarship essays, but those are about the easiest things in the world to put off until 'tomorrow'. Ah fucknuts I just hate kissing the ass of a foundation I've never heard of, which is probably just made up of uppity rich white people anyway. Ah well. Gotta let the man stick it to me sometime. A toast: Here's to forceful anal that might yield me a few grand for school.
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Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
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Strong, independent women making their own money should not have to ask ANYONE'S permission for how they spend it, or for that matter, how to do anything fucking else concerning their lifestyle. When strong, independent women are married, I understand the importance of communicating money matters to the husband and making compromises based on situations... but that is not asking permission. My only hope for paying for school this fall and spring lay with my mother agreeing to cosign a loan for me. After some talking, she did agree, as long as James didn't find out. The kicker is, Wells Fargo needs her home address to do the background check and send her the paper to sign.. they won't take a work address. She won't agree to this, because she claims "James would KILL me if he found out I was trying to cosign a loan for you". Anger directed at her for not addressing the issue beforehand, I'd almost understand... but anger due to her trying to help her daughter, BY NOT HAVING TO PAY ANYTHING, just fucking signing a piece of paper, is NOT fucking understandable. And the fact that my mother is scared of him makes me really sad. Perhaps my mother is not always strong and independent, but she CAN be, it's inside of her.. she just lets James control her. He uses scare tactics, like oh yeah that one time he pulled a GUN out on her... and she listens. She's passive so she doesn't have to fight back, and a divorce is sooo out of the question (um, why?). .. Ugh. I am going to try to talk sense into this woman, this crazy submissive mother of mine, but it's not looking good. And not being able to go to school this year is terrible on two levels..
1) I still have 2 years left to graduate. This will prolong it and make it 3. I'm going to be here for-fucking-ever and my debt is going to increase with interest. Huzzah.
2) I'll no longer be eligible to be on my father's insurance if I'm not a full-time student. That means, birth control will now cost $55 a month instead of $15, psych appointments will now cost $150 instead of $0 and oh yeah if anything happens to me, I'm pretttty much screwed. No more motorcycle rides :(
Not to mention I really, really want to get back into the school atmosphere. I miss it. I crave knowledge and I crave campus chill time. I'm going to feel pretty worthless not being in school. Grr. The only real advantage is having time to work constantly and try to save money. It's just so hard already to meet bills and deadlines without the help of a loan, that I doubt I'll be able to save much. Guh.
But alas. I don't like feeling that I'm being negative. The situation sucks, yeah, but I'm sure something good will come out of it. I don't like bitching anymore... it makes me feel like I'm wasting energy on something I can't change anyway which is UTTERLY pointless. But. Venting does feel good.
As much as I tried to refuse to go back to the Friday's way of life.. I do believe I'm headed back in that direction. I have to get my ass to go there and reapply and all that shit first, but do not forget I am the Queen of Utter Procrastination. I'm still working at TJ's for now, but it's really not helping my car at all and I can't let myself be content solely due to familiarity. It's not paying the bills. At some point I have to wake up and take more responsibility. I'm trying.
Plus, the hours I work at TJ's have made hanging out with the people I love quite difficult. We've all moved our separate directions and paired off into different apartments, so it's no longer as easy as walking into the living room to have an amazing conversation with Emily, Ian, Katy, or Coty.. and fuck, I miss JJ. Living with Daniel is great, and I love our apartment (despite our upstairs neighbors who never fail to wake me up at the crack of dawn with screaming children) but I have felt more isolated. I adjust into new settings and I've become more of a home-body than ever. Work gets me out and I love it, but I just don't have the money to go out and do fun stuff like I used to.. mainly going out to eat. Guh. Oh man, Derek took me to get sushi the other day and it was the first time in MONTHS and it tasted like Victory+Sex+Post-Sex Buzz and I couldn't thank him enough for the incredible amount of mouth-gasms. FUCKING LOVE SUSHI AHHHH.
I pretty much hate TV and haven't had it in two years.. but Daniel got the joint cable deal, so I've actually had access to the demon-box and I have to say, having Animal Planet, Discovery Channel, Cartoon Network, and the Food Network again are fucking awesome. Comedy Central is good for The Daily Show and Colbert Report.. other than that, fuck.. oh man FUCK CARLOS MENCIA. Fuck that guy to hell. But I digress. Animal Planet has been a wonderful time-consumer for me and it's made its way into my subconscious... I had a dream last night that great white Beluga whales of the deep Arctic were playing with me, bouncing me off their tails to eachother as if I were a toy.. not food or anything they wanted to kill, just a plaything. I started to panic, but it was also calming. Watching a lot of Animal Planet also reminds me how much I really would almost rather be studying animals than people with my future degree. If I could study Anthropology as well as Psychology and Sociology, I could combine my knowledge and perhaps make breakthroughs in evolutionary theory.. probably not to that extreme, but it'd at least be fucking fun to play with monkeys all day.
SPEAKING OF MONKEYS. Animal Planet had the most amazing movie called Romeo & Juliet.. A Monkey's Tale. ... Now I KNOW what you're thinking, but NO! It was actually really well done. It was a documentary about rivaling 'tribes' of monkeys who live in Thailand. There's the Palace Monkeys and the Market Monkeys and they hate eachother. The main adored female of the Palace 'fell in love' with the main trouble-maker of the Market and their unadulterated love affair caused both huge tribes to go to war. All of this was on film, there was no way it could have been fabricated or created by man. They showed how it affected the people of Thailand and needless to say, they were pissed. Anyhow, the behaviors of the monkeys just shocked me as so much of it was fucking human. The token Juliet got moody as all hell when all of the monkeys banished Romeo and she'd go and sit on top of the palace, not letting anyone groom her or be social or anything. Ah man. Best documentary I've ever seen.
I'm going to my first real traditional wedding this weekend. My dad and step-mom in Vegas wasn't any sort of traditional, so all I'm expecting for this one is what I've seen in movies. Hopefully it won't be too ridiculous.. I tend to get anxious when thinking about sitting in a church full of gussied-up Conservatives for more than an hour at a time, but I am hoping for an open bar at the reception. Even if there isn't, the reception seems to be the relief of everyone. Free food = YES. It's the wedding of Derek's best friend.. man, Derek's 25 and all of his friends are either getting married or engaged. Luckily I don't think he feels the pressure at all because we are farrrr, FAR from that point.. We know we are happy as all hell together, and that's good enough. No, it wasn't long after Erik and I'm still kind of dealing with that in my head, but I feel good about it. I actually deleted my OKCupid profile last night to prevent any temptation of ANY long-distance relationship EVER again. FUCK that.
Tomorrow night, midnight showing of The Simpsons movie... helll yes. (Fuck Harry Potter)
I hope this lessens the crying inside, Micahface. I do not want to hear about any more tears from thy beautiful..ness.
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I just got this sad, sad, email, so I signed a protest. Fuck this shit.
Hi, it's Tim from Pandora,
I'm writing today to ask for your help. The survival of Pandora and all of Internet radio is in jeopardy because of a recent decision by the Copyright Royalty Board in Washington, DC to almost triple the licensing fees for Internet radio sites like Pandora. The new royalty rates are irrationally high, more than four times what satellite radio pays and broadcast radio doesn't pay these at all. Left unchanged, these new royalties will kill every Internet radio site, including Pandora.
In response to these new and unfair fees, we have formed the SaveNetRadio Coalition, a group that includes listeners, artists, labels and webcasters. I hope that you will consider joining us.
Please sign our petition urging your Congressional representative to act to save Internet radio: http://capwiz.com/saveinternetradio/issues/alert/?alertid=9631541
Please feel free to forward this link/email to your friends - the more petitioners we can get, the better.
Understand that we are fully supportive of paying royalties to the artists whose music we play, and have done so since our inception. As a former touring musician myself, I'm no stranger to the challenges facing working musicians. The issue we have with the recent ruling is that it puts the cost of streaming far out of the range of ANY webcaster's business potential.
I hope you'll take just a few minutes to sign our petition - it WILL make a difference. As a young industry, we do not have the lobbying power of the RIAA. You, our listeners, are by far our biggest and most influential allies.
As always, and now more than ever, thank you for your support.
-Tim Westergren
(Pandora founder)
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Tuesday, April 17th, 2007
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I had a very feminist, empowering dream last night. In one of my lecture classes, we had a guest come for a special lecture... and it was a fucking priest. He wanted to talk to us about the V Tech shootings and how if we accepted Jesus as our lord and savior, we wouldn't fall victim to such a fate because HE would look out for us. His rhetoric was actually moving people, and people were giving him money.. lots, and lots of money. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I was in a room full of brainwashed morons. So I stood up on my chair and started talking back. My voice was escalating with passion and I owned him so bad. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I made him speechless. I felt so good when class was over, but all of the kids were talking about me in a negative way. It seemed that they were just pissed that I made class last the full length instead of the possibility of getting out early. I shook my head and realized the worlds full of idiots. I was walking toward the bus and saw an interesting tree... It was shaped like a V, and I couldn't figure out if it stood for a peace sign or a V for vagina.. but I decided it was both, because in the background the sun was setting and the sky was pink. I just stood there and looked through the V tree at the sunset and felt myself glowing. I got on the bus and there were two bus drivers up at the front talking.. I sat all the way in the back, and I was the only one on it. They looked back at me while they were whispering about me and it felt like sexual harrassment as my boobs felt violated and the hair on the back of my neck was standing up so I told them to fuck off.. they smiled creepily and I woke up.
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.. Fuck. And the violence continues. Guess it's a good thing I don't go to class much in case a boyscout at UNT latches on to the great idea to start killing at will.
Everyone's looking for something to blame. Ugh. This is great timing for the upcoming election.. everyone gets to use this to their advantage. Hilary might be first to speak out.. target the conservative white mothers again.. ohhh zomg noes it's the media, the media is brainwashing our youth and making them bring guns to school. No one's safe when there are violent video games available to our kids! Cause fuck it's not the parents' responsibility to make sure our kids know what's reality or have morals or ethics or anything. Aghjsdflskd.
For some reason, this feels closer to me and more tragic than 9/11. I guess you can't really measure the tragedy.. but I feel at loss moreso than before. And I'm definitely more pissed off.. possibly because I know and love someone who lives in Blacksburg, but also because the students who were killed can't be that much different from me.
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Saturday, April 14th, 2007
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I just had a dream that brought up a very real concern about my safety and I feel like I'm stuck inbetween dreaming and consciousness.
I was driving a boyfriend in my blazer to work at Wal-Mart. After I dropped him off, I parked and decided to go in and shop a bit. The inside was completely rennovated and made into a super department store. They had a Saturday Special thing where they had a professional salon set up, doing make up and hair for models for a photo shoot. I caught a glimpse of one beautiful model... and on second glance, it was a pretty man with long blonde hair and make up. I went to an empty blow dryer to dry my hair, and when I looked in the mirror, I was that man. I freaked out and started running into the parking lot like a flailing helpless idiot, and started looking for my blazer. Everytime my eye would catch red, I'd get excited, but it was taking me forever to actually find my car. A suspicious looking old cadillac started creeeping around the parking lot around me and I felt I was being followed. Instead of going back inside Walmart to find my boyfriend or someone who could help, I got my eyes and went to my car. Right after I clicked the unlock button, the man got out of his car and a big woman out of nowhere attacked me and threw me in my backseat. The man got into the drivers seat and the woman and a small child packed into the passanger seat. I looked to my right and my brother was there... the whole time he never said a word, he just stared ahead of him in complete shock. I started yelling out the window for help, but no one took me seriously. I had turned back into my real self by this time, and I was no longer a pretty blonde people wanted to rescue. We stayed in the same parking spot for a while.. it seems the perpetrators didn't exactly have a plan. I tried to plead with the man, but to no avail. After some time, a woman parked near us.. when she got out of the car, I shouted for her to please call 911.. I had tears streaming down my face, and I think she believed me. She went inside, but somehow these people got her into the backseat with my brother and I before she could call the cops. Then the man started driving around the parking lot, seemingly in contemplation of his next move.. and I just got frustrated. I started slapping his face as best I could from behind him, harder and harder. I tried to punch his head but it wasn't working too well. Nothing I could do phased him, and I felt more helpless than I've ever been. I managed to get my phone out and called 911, regardless of them being able to hear me. When I called, I got a machine that had me listen to the following options and press the number in accordance to that option... There was no option and there was no operator.. fucking A, emergency number my ass. I finally reached someone and I told him my situation.. but as I told him where we were, the driver left Wal-mart as any smart criminal would, and the cop told me "We can't do anything for you" and hung up. I was devastated.. I didn't know what to do, so I called my dad. It was 11:30 at night and I woke him up, but I told him the situation and asked him desperately for help. After I finished explaining, all I heard was dead silence on the line.. I waited... nothing.. then I woke up.
I think I'd be fucked in reality if this happened, too. It'd probably be a lot worse.. they'd make sure I wouldn't have my phone and I'd probably be tied up or gagged or something. Even if I wasn't, and I did have my phone, how could I call the cops and have them try to rescue me? Now I'm scared of parking lots. =(
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Thursday, April 12th, 2007
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Buckling from guilt of actions that are not mine, I doubt my sanity. Infinite puncture wounds invade my flesh yet no trained eye can perceive them. Have I been repressing? Consciously suppressing? I have forgiven her. I can't forgive her. Complete transcendence from the trauma of years of loving and hating the woman whose uterus I should be thankful for would be my greatest victory, my glory from a past of neverending one-sided battles.
She keeps her favorite baby pictures on her fridge to remind her of how we used to make her happy. My brother is a flirtatious toddler with an adorable speech impediment, and I am a miniature doll with dark curly ringlets on my crown, under the glowing halo of innocence and purity. These favorite pictures that have conquered the fridge were picked after great deliberation. A novel was written in the time she carefully looked through boxes upon boxes of candid pictures that recorded her past. Smiles upon smiles highlight the golden thread of her memory and salty sadness trickles down with the wishful reminiscence of years past. Her biggest regret lies in the years that got away from her, not the years she threw away.
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My senses are dulled. Whether it's the hangover or the general apathy I've been plauged with the past two weeks, I can't tell. I feel lost. The knowledge that this is most likely temporary fails to comfort me. The main hinderance in my progress is knowing I always manage to come back here, to this haven of depression. It's easier to deal with, but not better. I'm definitely not as self-depricating as I used to be.. that's actually comforting. I would love to say I've kicked the habit altogether, but I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in if I didn't hate myself just a little. The difference is now when I'm down, I don't keep kicking myself. It's much easier to get back up this way..
I don't want to be a textbook disorder. I don't think I am, but I know better than to attempt to judge myself objectively. I strive for self-awareness but unfortunately, the most efficient fuel for that journey is self confidence and as of lately I'm a little lacking. The break up has affected me more than I anticipated. I know infidelity reflects on the cheater's character, not the partner's.. but it doesn't say much for my judgment skills. You can't know anyone in two months, not enough to trust them with your life and your heart. I had no idea until now how naive I was in my view of people in general. I knew some of his past, enough to know I probably wouldn't be any different than the other girls he emotionally crippled.. but I believed him. He lied about so much and I feel like a compelete fool. I distanced myself the first month in distrust and then I just gave in and gave him my all. I opened up. For trusting so completely in such a short time, I am an idiot. I was so ready to be in love, I lost my head. I've been down a similar road before (Brandon), but that felt more like a conscious decision to be crazy.. and it took him much longer to gain my trust. Eventually I accepted the craziness he pulled me into, and accepted the consequences more readily because I knew I was most likely wrong for trusting him.. but I loved him so much I was ready to fall into the black hole with him. It took a lot of effort to resurface after that and making a "clean break" from him took almost a year. At least with Craig, the clean break only took a week of confusion and chaos. Craig wasn't depressed.. but more than a little crazy. I didn't see it before, I didn't see the major mainpulation games or any of the other telling signs. It just makes me doubt my judgment.
A friend of mine told me plainly "You are a bad judge of character. I'm sorry, but it's true." In relation to my love life.. yeah, possibly I'm not the best. But who is? I've honestly come to the conclusion that EVERYONE *initially* falls for someone their partner isn't. Who they fall for is a combination of their idealized version of their partner along with their partner's representative. Then, after time goes by and you love and trust them, your partner's identity surfaces more and more and you accept it and balance it as much as you can until you find something you absolutely cannot handle.. it breaks, you break and fall apart, then you get up and move on. An acceptable cycle unless you find yourself blind to the negative parts that surface because your perception weeds them out.. or you just accept them and choose to ignore them and deal with them later.. ha, when does that ever work. Oh well. Lesson learned.. have to move on. I'm not entirely cynical.. I don't think every relationship is bound for failure. I do believe there are a few people out there with enough compatability and goodness of character to deserve total trust and acceptance. Everyone is flawed and flaws can make people even more beautiful.. I just fear I take after my mother in choosing intensely flawed individuals as lovers in the naive hopes of changing them. I don't want to be in the business of changing people. I want to help people help themselves... and its much easier to offer that kind of help with friends and family than a lover, because I know when to stop and pull away. I don't give them so much of myself that I'm left feeling emptier.
Lane told Rory once "Every girl has to fall for the bad boy. That's why so many accountants get married." I hope one day I'll fall out of this keen desire for the cute but evil asshole with the 'sensitive side' and actually want to marry the nice guy.. the gentleman with the big heart and open arms. I wish I could go for that now, because god knows there's plenty of nice guys out there.. attractive ones, too. I just don't feel challenged and excited. I wonder if this is just a woman thing, or a young girl thing, or what. Guhhdalkjfslk.
I wonder if it would make me feel better to knock on his door and punch him in the face when he answered.. and then just smile and walk away. I've never punched anyone in the face before and its looking mighty appealing right now.
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"You must have the Lord in you tonight."
Any other day, in any other circumstance, these same words in succession would make me cringe. But tonight, I smiled.
The smell of alcohol, grease, sweat, and old cigarettes wafted gracefully into my car and settled into my passenger seat before the person it belonged to turned their somewhat bloodshot eyes toward mine. "Do you know where Sam Bass Boulevard is?" No problem man, this one's on me.
I have been warned many times about picking up hitchhikers. I know the risks, the terrible dangers and odious figures I could encounter while doing such a thing. But I trust myself, my intuition, my gut.. and I knew this man was harmless and in need of help.
While I was leaving the Taco Bell drive through around 11pm this drizzly evening, I heard a long-haired (but well kept) middle-aged man very nicely and genuinely ask someone in the parking lot for a ride. They rudely declined, so he kept walking. He saw me look at him, but he continued on what looked like a long journey ahead of him. He didn't beg or even ask me for a ride.. I knew at that point he had made the decision to walk. I rolled down my windows and asked where he was headed. He did the double take of disbelief and kindly accepted my offer. Honestly, I was a bit nervous, but I looked him over and there were no bulges in his pockets, no weapons that could be seen.. this man was harmless. It was raining, and he just wanted a ride home. We were only feet away from a bar, I figured he was trying to save himself from death tonight. Turns out I was right.
His first words.. "You must have the Lord in you tonight." I was shocked but quite relieved. He wasn't hitting on me or making me feel uncomfortable.. he was just incredibly thankful for the given opportunity which I have no rational reason for giving.
He had gone to the bar with some friends he worked with, but they were all drunk and wanted him to join them in their impending tumultuous drive home, and he declined. I think it was in a state of drunken delirium that he had made the decision to walk, as his home is at least 4 miles away, but he made the safer bet at the time anyhow. He seemed sad. He commented briefly on depression... he definitely was a little crazy, but not insane.. no less crazy than I, just older and uneducated. A good man at heart, and how I can say this after only knowing him 5 minutes, I can't describe. But I know.
His beauty shone through him, and for the first time I was connecting spiritually with a complete stranger that I had no other interest in besides wanting to help another human being. In a five minute drive, we talked about 'God', life, depression, and love.. and when I dropped him off at his apartment, he had tears streaming from his crystal blue eyes. The sun and a life full of worries and heartbreak had aged and wrinkled his skin for years, but his eyes looked young and alive.
I shook his hand and thanked him for existing. His name is Kenneth. To most people, he's probably nothing special.. seemingly, not even to himself. But he's changed my life. Funny.. he told me never to pick up a hitchhiker ever again.. and I think I'll take his advice, because there's no way I can ever be as lucky a second time.
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I have several books piled up that I really want to read but none of them seem appropriate for my current state of mind... please leave suggestions.. your favorite books or ones you've been dying to read. I don't trust Oprah or Amazon's Top 10... I want PERSONAL suggestions. I'd prefer fiction that delves into philosophy but not so much that it's suffocating.. I like a dark sense of humor and real, genuine observations about human nature.. But it might be nice to read something that's more of an escape out of this reality, out of my own hell. So please help. :)
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Wednesday, March 21st, 2007
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With past relationships, there were occasional doubts of loyalty but I always ended up attributing them to my insecurity and paranoia. To be happy in a relationship, you have to trust them.. you choose to, and until they give you real reason not to, you give them the benefit of the doubt... always. So I have never been in this situation before... I have never had anyone I had strong feelings for come to me and tell me he was not only unfaithful, but that he is in LOVE with someone else.... what are the stages of grief/mourning again? I think I am past the shock phase and in the denial... Only I'm not denying the fact that it happened, it is all too clear. I'm denying that it has affected me, and that I have reason to be upset and angry. Tears have been shed... countless name calling... none of this helps anything. I feel that it's useless and without reason. Hyopthetical plans of revenge to make me laugh only make me feel worse... because above all I don't want him getting hurt. I should be so angry with him for hurting ME. I have been loyal, I have been nothing but good to him. I go away for a weekend after missing the hell out of him and I come back to find out he fucked someone else 7 times in the span of 2-3 days?! What the hell.... ugh...
He wants me back.. he's been trying. There's just no way. This eighteen year old he slept with was nice enough to post pictures of them (thank you myspace..) .. it made it real for me. It made the visions complete. And Mr. Unfaithful was kind enough to compare me to her constantly.. this was in his wonderful, lengthy, Justification Speech: she loves being held after sex, she loves touching him and she looks into his eyes when they have sex.. she is in love with him, she appreciates him. And apparently I don't do and am not capable of any of those things. ... ITS BEEN TWO FUCKING MONTHS. 2. 2 months and he doesn't understand I'm not ready to say "I love you" and know I mean it, and that I'm quirky and need space and don't like to be held after sex. It's sweaty and it's hard to breathe and not comfortable. I have my reasons. I don't know why I don't make eye contact, maybe because it's dark and I'm concentrating on other things? BLEH... regardless... I'm not her. I'm not an idealistic, starry-eyed, 18 year old with no scars to speak of. I am almost 21 with a lot of heartbreak under my belt. I have problems, issues, I'm a little crazy. He used to say it made me interesting... now it's all reason to distance himself and fuck someone else. It's all just so fucking... irritating. Hurtful.. painful as fuck..
He keeps calling and texting, I keep ignoring. I've moved all of my stuff out today and I just never want to go back. Somehow one of her skirts got packed in with his stuff... I wanted to cut through an artery... those images in my mind of him holding her this weekend, looking into her eyes telling her he loved her, meanwhile I'm fucking PINING like a pathetic lovesick puppy, not being able to wait to see him again... hating being away from him, fantasizing about what we'll do when I come back... and he had the bomb waiting for me. He made the decision to be with her, to be her boyfriend while he was still mine, and now he wants to go back and try to keep me because she lives in Alabama and she'll never work.... She's already put "In a relationship" status on her profile (Ugh.. yes... i Know I'm lame for looking.. i had to see the pictures) and Craig and I haven't been broken up for a full day yet. WSDFJKLSJGLSKJGLksdjflkajsdlfkaj
I'd never forgive myself if I went back to him. It would be weak, unreasonable and just very extremely STUPID. We were very happy.. we were really good together... but none of that matters now. I obviously held him in a much higher regard than he deserves. He wanted to claim he's not "that kind of person"... the kind who would cheat... but he did... and not just once, but a victorious seven times. That's almost TRYING to be as unfaithful as possible. And even if I found it in my heart to forgive him, because I've looked and I almost started to... he won't change. He will always be afraid of something, running from something, destroying whatever good thing he has..
Now I just have to let go.. completely.. and start my life again, as just me. Living in my own house, without anyone else to care for.. make breakfast for, or coffee or bring up nyquil and ice packs when they hit their head... :( Bleh. I wonder if you can really get over someone completely without a rebound type figure. I don't mean it has to be another man... but friends act as rebounds. Other people. Distractions. And time... time most of all will heal me.
I finally learned how to let go of all of my fears and lower my walls to let him in.. and it was absolutely wonderful before it became monstrously miserable.. so I know I have learned a lot.. and after time goes by and I meet someone else, I think I'll have more to offer, more to give. As hard as it is to fully trust someone and have them sever it with a rusty machete, there's nothing better than being held by the person you feel safest with. I'll find it again someday. Meanwhile I'll keep watching movies about love and reading about love until 4 in the morning, go to sleep and dream about love and then wake up and have a day consoling myself with the love of my friends. For now it will be enough.
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Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
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I didn't really feel any pain. The shock and surprise veiled any pain receptors. As I fell forward onto the ground, all I felt was warmth seeping out under me.. slowly soaking up the towel I was wearing and making a small thick puddle underneath me. As the bullet was securely lodging itself into my chest, it occurred to me that this might be the end.. no medic was going to come save me, and the blackening of my vision was as real as the blood on the ground beside me. I closed my eyes and gently accepted it. I thought of everyone I loved and tried in vain to send them the message. I love you, David.. I love you, Brandon.. A short soliloquy in my head that only I would ever know.
When my eyes opened, I didn't believe it could have possibly been a dream.. I questioned my reality for a good ten minutes.. but I still don't know where I am. I want to be able to repeat my soliloquy, but it can't possibly be as beautiful when written in consciousness.. and those I want to hear it the most, won't listen.
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Thursday, September 28th, 2006
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I never wanted to do this, but I really think it's for the best now. My shit is just too personal and if you don't know me that personally, everything becomes skewed. The things I write in here is NOT the entirety of how I am feeling or what is going on in my life... it's the tidbits of depression/anxiety/extreme joy that seem important or necessary enough to vent and write down. But it just isn't necessary anymore for everyone to be able to read it. I don't think you can take away much from it anyway.
friends only
I hate those stupid "friends only" ljcons they make so I just googled for something damn random and here ya go. It gets the point across.
You know the drill. If I know you, post a comment and I'll add you if I want to. >P
And if you don't have an LJ and want to know... hey... I have a phone, and it works.
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Monday, September 25th, 2006
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Anyone know of a reverse love potion? That would be kickass. Or a mind-eraser that doesn't involve Eternal Sunshine type brain surgery or an alcoholic beverage? The only thing that seems to work is getting angry and I can never stay angry for long. The anger fades with time, not the feelings. They just grow. It feels hella backwards...
.. Onnnn a lighter note. I had an awesome time in Ft Worth this weekend for Aly's birthday. It was so funny to get drunk with my best friends since middle school.. first time. It was pretty surreal. Awesome, though. I miss them a lot, it's always so good to see them. I was doing really well up until the middle of the party when tons of people I didn't know started showing up and I get my uncomfortable-with-parties vibey feeling and start looking for places to hide. Well, that was kind of after the boy I liked decided to leave. Freshman year, Aly and Jeff tried to hook him and I up but it didn't work for some reason and now after seeing him, I was kind of regretting it. He has a girlfriend of a year and a half now, who wasn't there because she's in Europe. Maybe I just like unattainable men.. but oh fuck this boy is hot. Meh. So after he left, Courtney and I hid pretty well together, but we were found.. Alas, it turned out to be quite necessary because poor Aly and Jeff got really sick (for the first time I hear as well) so we took care of them. Courtney was amazing. She is the most caring nurturer I've ever met. She's just natural, too.. and she won't ever accept credit. Shannon helped a lot with the cleaning of Jeff's vomit as well, so we bought them lunch today :D Happy Birthday Aly, hope the hangover didn't last too long =)
And Happy birthday David, hope your hangover didn't suck as well. Sorry that the spankings have to wait a few weeks :D
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